He has a secret life…now what?

5 Jan

A couple of years ago, I got an email from an old friend. She hadn’t been married for very long and she needed some advice. She had recently married her high school sweetheart after reconnecting with him on Facebook.

Her email indicated that she needed some advice and wanted me to help her personally. She had recently found out that her husband of a few months was watching online porn and some other details she didn’t want to share. After she reassured me none of it would be considered illegal, we began to discuss their own sex life. It seems they didn’t have sex very often. The intimacy wasn’t really there when they did.

When she and I were in high school, we were taught that sex was very traditional and missionary. For the most part, we were led to believe that it was more for his enjoyment than ours. Thank goodness times have changed. In addition, I have made sure my own kids know differently. It’s all about mutual satisfaction. And for that, you need real intimacy.

After our talk, we ended back at the store. I took her on the same tour we give all our first timers in the back of the store. Throughout the tour, I discovered that she was willing to try the things her husband wanted. He could look to her for these things, not just go online. We loaded her up with several items and she very excitedly went on her way.

I did tell her, as I tell everyone, that watching porn can be very helpful to a marriage…for both a man and a woman. Not just men. There is nothing wrong with alone time. The issue Comes when it replaces the intimacy in a marriage. There has been a lot of debate on this topic. So, what makes me an expert? I mean, outside of the obvious reason.

This part takes me back to my 20′s when I was a video store manager. We had a pastor that would come in. He was, might still be, really good friends with the owner. He requested we bring in the Better Sex video series for his marriage counseling couples. He recommended them as part of their homework. He is one of the people who taught me that it’s ok when used appropriately.

This isn’t a funny story but I hope it helps.

7 Responses to “He has a secret life…now what?”

  1. Lonely November 24, 2012 at 7:10 pm #

    My boyfriend watches porn. And he doesn’t have sex with me. I’ve tried the “lets do these things together” bit but he doesn’t ever do or even want to do the things that he is interested in with me. Believe me, I’ve tried. I even been open to having an open relationship if that’s what he needs. You know, multiple partners. Then he says no to that too. I’m at a loss. I’ve tried everything. Offered everything. Porn is his outlet. Always has and apparently always will.

    • D November 25, 2012 at 1:20 pm #

      After years of the same thing the best advice I can give you is find porn you like and a good vibrator that you enjoy you have needs that need to be met, and that really is ok to admit and explore. It’s ok to be frustrated in a relationship but being sexually frustrated is for the birds!!!!

    • milali November 25, 2012 at 6:14 pm #

      If you need to talk buzz me lonely

  2. frustrated girl November 29, 2012 at 9:12 pm #

    My boyfriend watches porn on a daily basis, jerks to it and all that.He rarely wants to have sex with me…I don’t mind the porn, What i do mind, is the not wanting to me intimate with me, and the fact that i have caught him signing up for numerous different sex hook up websites, looking for girls to hook up with on craigslist, backpage, all those trashy websites..even with girls from his past…As far as i know he says he hasnt actually hooked up with any of them because they haven’t wanted to or some crap like that…But he says he loves me, we have been together for almost 2 years we have a 6 month old son together, he talks about wanting to buy a house together and all this stuff for our future, then he turns and does this kind of stuff…we took a break from our relationship, but we still live together, he recently said that he loves me, after not telling me for a month, became more intimate with me acted like everything was okay, things have been fine for the past week and half, but tonight I found an email to a tramp on craigslist wanting to hook up with her just three days ago…any ideas as to Why the hell he is doing this crap?

  3. doudoune moncler homme December 15, 2012 at 4:00 am #

    This is a great post. Thanks so much for sharing, like always.

  4. Jamison December 31, 2012 at 3:49 am #

    Great post, really enjoyed it!
    — Jamison


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